i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
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