Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
