this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Randomize
