I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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