i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
