I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
