This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
