May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Randomize
