haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
