My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Randomize
