today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
