there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
