I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
