She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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