I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
I moved my bed to the living room so when a girl walks in she has to decide right away if shes in or out
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
