i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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