Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
