i was born a porn star she said
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
