I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
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