You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
