Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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