rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
Randomize