never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
