I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
50% drunk capacity currently
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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