Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
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