Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
