I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
Randomize
