for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
