Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Randomize
