sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
