I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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