Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Randomize
