it's like her boobs came off with her bra
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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