my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Randomize
