You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
