But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
