Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
