by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
