I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
I am available for nakedness
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize