He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
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