I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
Randomize