i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
