I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize