3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
If we all have the time, and the weather permits, and you have no plans, we should have another go at Operation Get Our Carless Friends Laid. All the lonely people will be out. We can take our lonely people out too.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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