If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
