my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
