So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
