i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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