Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
