We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
pop tarts are not kleenex
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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