i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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