you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
