he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
My ass is underappreciated
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I have hobbies that aren't destroying myself and others...i can make hats.....
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
