I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
he was CRYING into my vagina
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
