Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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