Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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