I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
