she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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