My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
