No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
The feeling are messing with the penis
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
