Non-Jews are for practice
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Randomize
