Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
