I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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