standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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