she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Who did Billy Mays play for?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
