Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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