Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
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