He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
how does that bad decision feel?
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