Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
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