literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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